“Topping from the bottom.”

If you’ve been around kink spaces at all, you’ve heard this term being thrown around like a half-spanked brat’s attitude. It’s one of those buzz terms that gets thrown into discussion with the same gravity as “consent” or “safe word.” And like a lot of things in kink, it began with a very clear, helpful purpose, and then somewhere along the line, it got corrupted.

As a Dominant, I’ve watched it be misused too often. It’s been used to shame, silence, gatekeep, and defend fragile egos more than it’s actually been used to clarify a dynamic. So let’s discuss what “topping from the bottom” actually is, what it isn’t, and why we need to quit wielding this term like a punishment paddle on discount night.

It can appear as:
• Directing the scene during play: “No, use the paddle now, not the crop.”
• Giving orders in the guise of suggestions: “Wouldn’t it be hotter if you made me crawl?”
• Steering the dynamic without recognizing the change in energy or intention.
• Undermining the D-type’s role while still claiming the submissive position.

Sometimes it’s intentional. More often, it’s not. But it’s always worth exploring.

Why It Happens (Hint: It’s Not Always About Control)

There are lots of reasons a submissive might “top from the bottom,” including:
• They yearn for the fantasy of surrender rather than the act of releasing control.
• Their Dominant isn’t leading clearly, and they’re trying to compensate.
• There’s an expectations mismatch, reactive vs. interactive submission.
• They’re afraid, confused, or bearing trauma and must feel secure.
• They don’t know how to trust the process, or the leader who’s guiding it.

None of these things make a person a “bad sub.” They simply indicate that something needs to be adjusted.

When It Isn’t Topping from the Bottom (But Gets Labeled That Way)

Let me be direct:
• Setting boundaries? Not topping from the bottom.
• Asking for aftercare? Not topping from the bottom.
• Saying “no” or “slow down”? Not topping from the bottom.
• Negotiating, clarifying, or giving feedback mid-scene? Not topping from the bottom.

These are all healthy, integral parts of a working power exchange. And yet, I’ve watched way too many submissives get shut down with this sentence the moment they try to articulate a need. That’s not dominance, that’s control theater. That’s “shut up and serve” in D/s clothing.

Here’s the reality: Power exchange requires communication in order to thrive.

Submission is not silence, it’s service. It’s intention. And that does not function if your submissive is too scared to talk.

Why Dominants Weaponize the Phrase

Now, let’s get uncomfortable, because sometimes us D-types abuse the phrase to mask our own weaknesses.

When a Dominant says “you’re topping from the bottom,” what they may actually mean is:
• “I feel insecure and don’t know how to handle this.”
• “I wasn’t prepared to head this type of dynamic.”
• “I didn’t bargain for a partner with needs.”
• “I’m more interested in the fantasy of power than the reality of responsibility.”

This doesn’t make a person a bad Dominant, it makes them human. But if your reaction to being challenged is to close your partner down rather than open up, you’re not leading. You’re dictating. And that’s a very different energy.

Submissives Can Also Top from the Bottom by Accident

Let’s turn it around. Submissives do, at times, navigate the ship from the bottom deck unbeknownst to them.

Common causes are:
• Perfectionism or control issues in daily life.
• Being a switch and not knowing how to drop into submission with this partner.
• Not trusting the Dominant completely but not speaking about it.
• Trauma from helplessness, resulting in micro-managing for safety.
• Attempting to make the scene “go right” by planning every move.

Again, this doesn’t make anyone wrong or broken. But it’s a flag. And it deserves honesty and communication, not shame.

So… What Should You Do?

If you’re a submissive who’s wondering whether you’re topping from the bottom, ask yourself:
• Am I controlling or communicating?
• Do I actually trust this Dominant?
• Did we negotiate clearly—or am I only guessing?
• Am I choreographing, or attempting to feel?
• Do I need to submit—or do I simply need to feel seen?
If you’re a Dominant who feels like your sub is topping from the bottom, consider:
• Did I state the structure of our dynamic clearly?
• Am I confusing feedback with disobedience?
• Have I established emotional safety for my submissive to communicate?
• Am I responding out of ego, —or leadership?
And if you’re a switch? Ask both groups. You already exist on both sides of the slash.

Final Thoughts: This Is About Trust, Not Control

“Topping from the bottom” is not always a red flag. Occasionally, it’s a flare, your dynamic calling out for attention, for recalibration, for care.

Other times, it’s an indication that one of you is falling out of alignment with the roles you consented to. But most often, it’s used just to shut someone up. And that’s the worst issue of all.

True dominance is flexible, not fixed. True submission is vocal, not silent. If they desire your silence more than your truth, they do not desire a submissive, they desire an object.

And that is not what we are here for. Power exchange must be empowering to both parties. Let’s lead, and follow, with courage, compassion, and intention.

Want to know more? Stay tuned for upcoming posts in which we’ll delve deeper into the world of Domination and submission.

💬 Got questions or want to share your thoughts? Drop a comment or join our forum “The Lobby”  this is a judgment free zone.