To be a Dominant in the BDSM lifestyle generally comes with the expectation that you are always confident, in control, and sure. Yet behind this confident exterior, I like a number of Doms, have several insecurities that are hard to express, especially in a culture which often identifies dominance with strength and certainty. These insecurities may be due to self-doubt, fear of failure, issues of ethics and consent, and pressure to enact a particular role to perfection.
As a Dom you can feel inadequate about not being “Dominant enough.” BDSM communities always have a clear idea of what a Dom should be like, strong, dominant, and emotionally inscrutable.
As an emotional expressive Dom, I tend to fear not being enough. I question at times if my style of being dominant is authentic, particularly when it is more nurturing or receptive than the standard concept. This leads to the feeling of being insufficient and leads to internal conflict, particularly when attempting to reconcile my actual self with what is expected by the community. One other common source of insecurity stems from the vast responsibility I have as a Dom in a scene. Being the one who is supposed to establish boundaries, start conversation, ensure consent, and administer aftercare. Mistakes can be catastrophic, physical or emotional damage to their partner, loss of trust, or a community wide reputation issue.
Because of this, as a Dom there is a secret worry about “getting it wrong,” even when cautious and experienced. Having someone else’s safety in one’s hands, especially during passionate or risky activities, can cause a lot of anxiety.
Imposter syndrome is common. Even as I grow and gain in experience as a Dom, I get fleeting feelings that I am not a real Dom, or that my dominance is not actually deserved. It gets worse when I compare myself with other people in the community who are more experienced, louder, or a more stereotypical Dom image, and I know I should not do that but you still do. It is natural to feel that my own style of dominance is not “valid” when it does not look like what is trendy or well-known.
Furthermore, times of emotional vulnerability are generally kept hidden. As a Dom it can be hard to show doubt, softness, or your emotional needs for fear of ruining others’ impression of your control or dominance. This can leave me with moments of isolation. While submissives are generally taught to find and express their vulnerability, but as a Dom at times I feel that there is no safe place to be vulnerable as well. Without emotional support, burnout, exhaustion, or even guilt for enjoying control can occur.
Finally, there is ethical insecurity. As a Dom I am always highly concerned with the ideals of Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK), yet I always question am I doing enough to follow these ideals. I also worry about inadvertently coercing my partner, especially when the partner in question genuinely wants to please. This type of self-doubt, while healthy, can lead to ongoing unease.
To be a Dom is not to “not be insecure”. I have found it is to accept those insecurities and to become stronger because of them. I am happy to be a doubting Dom, one who seeks criticism, and who is worried about the feelings and welfare of their partner, it is not a sign of weakness.
