So, if you’re exploring Dominance and submission (D/s), here’s the thing, being a good Dom is not all about rope, discipline, or rules. It begins in the mind.
Personally, I think that if you don’t comprehend the psychology of submission, then you cannot be a great Dominant.
Let’s look at what that looks like, and how your attitude, awareness, and communication style can totally transform your power dynamic.
Why do women wish to submit?
To become an effective Dom, you must take the time to consider why someone would want to submit, especially in a world where women are already stigmatised for enjoying sex at all, let alone kinky, power-exchange play.
The reality? A lot of women have grown up in cultures where their needs were suppressed, criticised, or ridiculed. Your job is to make her feel comfortable, accepted, honoured, and safe for being open and honest.
All that your submissive requires to be confident, open, and sexually empowered is inside of her already, you just simply need to nurture it. You’re the gardener. Water the seed. Provide some warmth. And let her know that it’s okay to shine.

Help Her Heal, But Know Your Role
No, you’re not her therapist. But you can totally be someone who helps her lighten up that guilt or shame she’s been holding onto.
Some submissives are already comfortable with their sexuality and fantasies. Others are uncertain, even fearful. Your job as a good Dom is to assess where she is, and meet her there with compassion.
My mantra is: Leave her in far better shape than you found her.
Set An Example: Talk About Sex Openly
You can’t really hope your submissive will share if you’re not sharing yourself. When you’re able to talk about your desires openly, without shame or awkwardness, you make space for her to do the same.
Here’s a real-world example. I dated a women who did not like getting on top during sex. Not because they didn’t like doing it, far from it, but because other boyfriends in their past would get angry or rude when tried to. Can you imagine how damaging that is? Rather than annoying or frustrating, I posed basic questions: “Why don’t you get on top or take control, what about it do you don’t like?” It turns out they weren’t sure they’d be any good and that I would like it. That’s all. With time, and trust, they not only tried, they found it liberating and passionate. All they needed was safety and non-judgmental support.
These were not dramatic interventions. Just calm, kind, human conversations.
Own Your Power (Even When It Gets a Little Awkward).
That’s the reality most Doms won’t tell you: It’s weird being in control at first.
Particularly if you’re a good, compassionate human being (which I hope you are). I struggled a lot with the idea of having power over someone in a relationship. Isn’t that. unfair? Isn’t that the reverse of what healthy relationships are all about?
Yes and no.
This is what I discovered: Power exchange is consensual, and when properly done, with care, it’s not oppressive, it’s liberating. For both people.
Balancing Dominance with Equality
I was quite self-reliant growing up. To ask for help, even when I actually needed it, was to be weak. So when I had to start asking my partner to do things for me, particularly the mundane things (such as picking up groceries), my inner voice was screaming:
“Who are you to ask her that? You can do it yourself.”
But this is what I’ve come to understand:
When your sub wants to serve you, you aren’t taking anything from her, you’re providing her with purpose.”.
By not passing on duties, I was in essence, denying her pleasure. She finds happiness in doing her part. From knowing that she’s made her Dom happy.
So, what if it becomes unhealthy?
Here’s a fear that I grapple with: “Am I being abusive without knowing?”
That’s the paradox of power. Once you’re granted power, you must be super-aware of how you exercise it.
I ask myself:
- Am I being fair?
• Is she still choosing this dynamic willingly?
• Was this going too far?
If you’re wondering about those questions, you’re absolutely on the right track. Abusers just don’t think about it. But that doesn’t mean we become complacent.
Continue Talking.. And Actually Hear
Keeping the lines open is your best option. Check in often. Meet halfway when communicating. Ask:
“Is this still good for you?”
So, if she believes that she has to keep you happy, she might not be entirely truthful with you. You’ve got to establish an atmosphere where she can simply say, “No, part isn’t working for me anymore.”
And believe me, just trust your submissive. She’s not this delicate little flower. She’s a smart, adult woman who can totally make herself heard when something doesn’t feel right.
The Big Picture
So, to summarise.
To be an amazing Dom, you have to:
- Understand why someone might want to submit.
- Provide a guilt-free zone for her to explore her desires.
- Lead with openness and emotional intelligence.
- Accept your own power and learn how to wield it mindfully.
- Check in often, listen deeply, and never stop communicating.
Because at the end of the day—this lifestyle isn’t just about whips and cuffs.
It’s about growth, trust, intimacy, and shared power.
And yeah, sometimes a good spanking, too.
Want to know more? Stay tuned for upcoming posts in which we’ll delve deeper into the world of Domination and submission.
💬 Got questions or want to share your thoughts? Drop a comment or join our forum “The Lobby” — this is a judgment-free zone.