In the world of BDSM, where power play, control, pain, and pleasure intersect, consent isn’t just a formality, it’s the very foundation that separates deeply fulfilling intimacy from abuse.

Mainstream society tells us that hitting someone, humiliating them, or exercising control over another person is wrong. And rightly so, if those acts happen without agreement, they are abusive. But within kink, these same acts can be exhilarating, healing, and deeply intimate, when all participants have clearly consented.

So, let’s talk about what consent really means in BDSM, and why it’s far more nuanced than a simple “yes.”

Implied Consent: The Unspoken Dance

Implied consent is based on non-verbal cues, body language, and mutual assumptions. No one explicitly says “yes,” but both people act as if they agree to what’s happening.

How This Looks in Vanilla Dating:

• You match on a dating app and meet for coffee. There’s an unspoken understanding that you’re both open to a romantic or sexual connection.
• You hug, flirt, touch each other’s arms, maybe kiss, without verbally asking for permission at every step.
• You return to one person’s apartment and continue making out. Clothing starts to come off. Still, no one says “Can I do this?”, you’re reading each other’s cues and responding.

Implied consent is common in vanilla dating. It’s the dance of seduction and chemistry. But even in that world, it has its risks.

The Problem with Implied Consent in BDSM

While implied consent may be acceptable in low-risk, vanilla settings, BDSM is a different animal. You’re often working with intense physical, emotional, and psychological play, rope, impact, degradation, control. There’s no room for assumption when the stakes are high.

The Risks:

• Misreading cues, especially if you’re not practiced at it
• Cultural or personal differences in what’s considered “normal”
• Someone feeling unsafe or unable to say no
• Crossing a boundary you didn’t know existed

Because of these risks, most kinksters move beyond implied consent into more explicit models.

Express Consent: The Verbal Agreement

Express consent is clear, direct, and often verbal. It’s when someone explicitly agrees to an action or dynamic, usually after being asked.

How It Looks:

Dom: “I’d love to try wax play with you. Interested?”
Sub: “Maybe, where would you put it?”
Dom: “Just your arms and legs to start. If you like it, we can go further.”
Sub: “Okay, yes. That sounds fun!”

This kind of consent minimises misunderstandings. Everyone knows exactly what’s happening, why it’s happening, and how far things will go. No assumptions required.

The Downside?

Too much explicit consent can take the mystery out of seduction. It may feel mechanical or awkward to constantly stop and ask permission during a scene:

“May I tie your hands? May I kiss you now? May I spank you harder?”

For some submissives, this can feel unsexy, or even break their submissive headspace. For Doms, it might pull them out of their flow and authority.

That’s where informed consent comes in.

Informed Consent: The Kink Community’s Gold Standard

Informed consent means that each person knows what’s about to happen, has had a chance to discuss boundaries and risks, and agrees to participate from a fully informed place.

This often involves negotiation before a scene, talking through desires, limits, safewords, aftercare, and any concerns.

Popular Models of Informed Consent:

• SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual): Emphasises safety and mental soundness. A classic, foundational model.
• RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink): Recognises that some kink activities carry risk and centers personal responsibility.
• PRICK (Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink): Similar to RACK, but with even more emphasis on education and self-awareness.
• FRIES (Freely given, Revocable, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific): A newer model popular in both kink and sex education circles.

Each model has its strengths. The right one for you depends on your risk tolerance, relationship style, and personal values.

A Missing Piece: Who Is the Action For?

Here’s something few people talk about: Consent isn’t just about permission, it’s about who the experience is for.

In BDSM, we talk about “giving” and “receiving,” but that can get blurry. That’s where the Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin offers powerful clarity.

The Wheel of Consent Differentiates Four Dynamics:

1. Giving: I do something for you (e.g., I massage you for your pleasure).
2. Receiving: You do something to me, for my benefit (e.g., I receive that massage).
3. Taking: I do something to you, for my pleasure (e.g., I ravish your body because I want to).
4. Allowing: You do something to me, for your pleasure (e.g., I let you use me for your arousal).

Why This Matters

Consent transforms all four dynamics into pleasurable experiences. Without it, the exact same action can feel violating.

For example:

• Giving without consent = martyrdom or resentment.
• Receiving without consent = obligation or entitlement.
• Taking without consent = assault.
• Allowing without consent = becoming a doormat.

Knowing who the action is for changes everything.

How to Ask for Consent Based on Intention

Rather than defaulting to “Can I do X to you?”, try getting more specific with your language:

• To take: “May I do this to you?” (for your pleasure)
• To give: “May I do this for you?” (for their pleasure)
• To receive: “Would you be willing to do this for me?”
• To allow: “What would you like to do to me?”

Clarity around intention helps ensure that both people feel seen, valued, and satisfied, not just physically, but emotionally.

What Consent Model Should You Use?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. The model you use will depend on:

• How well you know your partner
• Your level of experience with kink
• The risk level of the activity
• Your comfort with reading non-verbal cues
• Your shared dynamics and communication styles

When in doubt, start with explicit consent and negotiation, and evolve as trust builds.

Why the Dom Bears More Responsibility

Let’s be honest: power dynamics complicate consent.

As a Dom, you hold more perceived power. That means your submissive may feel pressure to say yes, even when they’re unsure. They may fear disappointing you or losing your approval.

What Doms Should Watch For:

• Encourage open communication: Regularly ask your sub how they’re feeling and actively welcome their limits.
• Check your own desires: Are you subtly pressuring them because you’re excited about something?
• Be cautious of subspace: Submissives in altered states may say yes to things they wouldn’t agree to sober. Don’t escalate past negotiated boundaries.

And don’t forget—Doms need consent too. You never have to act out a fantasy or dynamic that makes you uncomfortable. You are not a kink vending machine.

Consent Is Ongoing, Evolving, and Essential

Consent is not a one-time conversation. It’s a continuous thread of mutual trust, communication, and integrity.

Whether you’re new to BDSM or a seasoned player, learning how to give, receive, and navigate consent will make your kink experiences safer, hotter, and more fulfilling.

So keep talking. Keep checking in. Keep learning. And above all, keep choosing each other, every step of the way.

Want to know more? Stay tuned for upcoming posts in which we’ll delve deeper into the world of Domination and submission.

💬 Got questions or want to share your thoughts? Drop a comment or join our forum “The Lobby” — this is a judgment-free zone.