As a Dominant,

I’ve never been comfortable with the portrait of submissives that’s commonly painted, weak, innocent, emotionally immature beings who require around the clock management. It’s a picture that’s not only offensive but inaccurate.

I’ve known some amazing submissives who are super bold, smart, and confident. They’re not just fragile little folks needing saving. They totally stand tall, even when they’re kneeling.

And yet…

 As with most stereotypes, there’s usually a little, unpleasant truth hidden beneath all the hyperbole. One that’s painful to gaze upon straight.

Submission: A Beautiful Gift. and a Dangerous One

I have watched submissives attempt to deflect their own vulnerabilities by being all sassy or sarcastic. I have observed them present a tough exterior while low key hoping they don’t really have to fight. And you know what? I have definitely done something similar myself.

My own connection to dominance is confident and clear. I know who I am in that space. But when I turn that lens inward and consider what submission feels like, from the inside out, I can see just how easily it can be weaponized.

 Submission is potent. It’s life-changing. When it’s done correctly, it opens up the deepest levels of connection and trust.

 But it’s also where I’ve noticed people get hurt the worst.

 Because submission, at its core, is about giving someone else influence over your mind, body, and sometimes even your daily choices. And that level of surrender? That’s inherently risky.

 The Illusion of Safety

 Healthy dominance is like a safe hug, firm, warm, protective. It makes room for a submissive to exist completely. It respects them, holds them up, honours their trust.

 But unhealthy dominance?

 That is like a vine that slowly wraps around your body. It appears beautiful at first, lush, inviting, full of promise. But then it covers your mouth, your eyes, your breath. It doesn’t embrace you, it engulfs you.

 And the risky bit? Both can appear identical at first.

 Predators in this way of life do not usually come with warning flags waving. Most come across as supportive, knowledgeable, experienced. They speak of guidance and protection. They offer to “train” or “mentor” but what they actually desire is control without agreement.

 Just like a rose: Beauty and Thorns In D/s and M/s, we would like to believe this space is sacred, deliberate, safe. That is not always the case. The dynamics we engage in are one of the most perilous things about BDSM. They need to be approached from that perspective.

 Most submissives stroll through what I refer to as the rose garden, a paradise of breathtaking connection, yet one with thorns present that are sharp enough to wound.

 Even veteran submissives are not immune to manipulation. Even veteran Dominants can be deceived by charm, by smooth presentation, by predators who’ve learned to speak fluent Official BDSM Language.

 And here’s the harsh reality: there might never be a means of making D/s as safe as we’d like to imagine it to be.

 We try our best, we screen, we vet, we speak, we exchange red flags. But when one person grants power over themselves to another, the door to both the sublime and the sinister opens.

Submission Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Strong

 I’ve talked to a lot of submissives, particularly single or unattached ones, who ask themselves whether it might be simpler to simply. not submit. To date vanilla. To avoid D-types. To retain full control, every time.

 And you know what? That makes sense. That reaction is completely rational.

 But seriously, I keep on hearing them say this truth again and again: submission is not something they do. It is part of who they are.

 Even in vanilla relationships, it sneaks in. The dynamics emerge naturally. The dance starts up all over again.

 And when it’s done properly, it’s just gorgeous.

 No, submission isn’t weakness. It’s more like being open. It’s about deciding to be gentle when everyone else is saying to toughen up. It’s about choosing to kneel instead of bolting. It’s having the guts to love by letting go. That’s real strength, but it’s also a bit of a gamble that not everyone gets.

So What Do We Do With That?

We get smarter. We slow down. We vet harder. We talk more honestly about red flags, about mistakes, about recovery. And then?

And then, we walk slowly through the rose garden, admiring it’s beauty but always knowing what may be hidden out of sight.

Want to know more? Stay tuned for upcoming posts in which we’ll delve deeper into the world of Domination and submission.

💬 Got questions or want to share your thoughts? Drop a comment or join our forum “The Lobby”  this is a judgment free zone.