Let’s Talk About Kink Shaming
Kink shaming is one of those things that often flies under the radar. It’s subtle, it’s normalised, and it can happen in places that claim to be sex-positive or inclusive. But here’s the thing: kink shaming can do real damage, not just to individuals, but to how we relate to desire, vulnerability, and human connection.
So let’s break it down. What is kink shaming? Why does it happen? And why is it a problem that deserves more attention?
What Exactly Is Kink Shaming?
Kink shaming is when someone mocks, criticises, or belittles another person’s sexual preferences, specifically the ones that fall outside of so-called “vanilla” sex. This can include everything from BDSM, roleplay, fetishes, dominance and submission, to things like exhibitionism or power exchange dynamics.
Shaming can look like:
- Making jokes about someone’s kinks
- Calling them “weird,” “gross,” or “mentally unstable”
- Dismissing their desires as “attention-seeking” or “just trauma”
- Implying that liking X kink means someone is dangerous, broken, or incapable of love
It doesn’t have to be loud or aggressive to be harmful. Sometimes it’s a raised eyebrow. Sometimes it’s a snide comment in an otherwise “open-minded” conversation.
And yes, this can happen within the kink community too. People often create hierarchies of what’s “acceptable kink” vs “too much,” which leads to a whole other layer of judgment.
Why Do People Shame Kinks in the First Place?
Most of it comes down to fear, ignorance, and projection. Kinks challenge our ideas of what sex “should” look like. They force people to confront their own discomfort with power, control, submission, pain, and vulnerability. And that’s not easy for everyone.
Other times, it’s insecurity. Someone might shame another’s kink because they feel threatened by how open and confident that person is about their sexuality.
And sometimes, people just don’t know any better. They’ve grown up in sex-negative environments, fed by media that treats kink as punchlines or pathology.
The Real Damage of Kink Shaming
This isn’t just about hurt feelings. Kink shaming can have serious emotional, psychological, and relational consequences. Here’s what it actually does:
- It Undermines Consent Culture
One of the cornerstones of kink is consent. Negotiation, communication, and boundaries are non-negotiable. But when people shame kinks, they often imply that consensual practices are somehow still wrong. That sends a dangerous message: that consent doesn’t matter if the act itself makes someone uncomfortable to witness.
That’s not how consent works. If two (or more) adults enthusiastically consent to something and no one is being harmed non-consensually, that should be the end of the discussion.
- It Fuels Internalised Shame
When someone grows up hearing that their desires are “sick” or “wrong,” they can internalise that message, sometimes for years. They may hide their needs, disconnect from partners, or feel like they have to choose between honesty and acceptance.
This internal conflict can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-worth, and sometimes even trauma. The closet doesn’t just exist for queer identities; it exists for kink too. And it’s suffocating.
- It Discourages Honest Conversations
Healthy sex, and healthy relationships require communication. If people are scared to speak up about what turns them on, they’re less likely to ask for what they need, set boundaries, or negotiate safety.
That silence can lead to unsafe play, unfulfilling relationships, or the feeling of living a double life. Kink shaming tells people to shut up and hide. That never ends well.
- It Pushes People to Unsafe Spaces
When kink is stigmatised in mainstream culture, people are more likely to seek out underground, unregulated, or unsafe communities to explore their desires. That makes it harder to find good education, healthy role models, or support systems. In the worst cases, it can expose people, especially new submissives, to predators who thrive in secrecy.
How We Can Do Better
If you’ve ever kink-shamed someone, intentionally or not, this isn’t about guilt. It’s about awareness and change. Here’s how we can all create safer, more open spaces for sexual expression:
- Lead With Curiosity, Not Judgment
You don’t have to understand someone’s kink to respect it. Instead of reacting with “Ew, why would anyone want that?” try “That’s not my thing, but I’d be curious to hear more if you’re open to sharing.”
- Check Your Biases
We all have internalised ideas about what’s “normal” in bed. Ask yourself where those ideas came from. Are they rooted in religion? Media? Shame? Just because something feels foreign to you doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
- Support Consent-Driven Spaces
If you’re part of a sex-positive or kink-friendly community, be proactive in making sure all kinks, within legal and consensual limits, are treated with respect. That includes discouraging “acceptable” kinks from being elevated while “taboo” ones are ridiculed.
- Normalise Talking About Desire
The more we talk openly about kink, the less power shame has. You don’t have to share your deepest secrets online, but you can model non-judgmental curiosity in your conversations with friends, partners, or community members.
Bottom Line: Kink Isn’t the Problem, Shame Is
Desire is one of the most human things about us. We’re wired for exploration, connection, and pleasure. Kinks are just one of the many ways people find expression in that.
When we shame someone for what they like in bed (or outside it), we’re telling them that part of who they are is unworthy of love or belonging. And that’s just not okay.
So whether you’re kinky or not, whether you’re new to this world or deep in the lifestyle, one thing is true:
Everyone deserves to be seen, respected, and safe in their desires.
And it starts by leaving the shame behind.
Want to know more? Stay tuned for upcoming posts in which we’ll delve deeper into the world of Domination and submission.
💬 Got questions or want to share your thoughts? Drop a comment or join our forum “The Lobby” this is a judgment free zone.
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